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Delayed but NOT Denied
The journey of life will definitely take us on some unforeseeable paths. Life throws us curve balls that we never saw coming. When those instances happen, we tend to question, "why me?" We start comparing our situations to that of our peers, friends and/or family. We forget that no two people have the same journey in life. Certain accomplishments in our life are not going to happen when we THINK they are supposed to happen.
Just because your old classmate got married and started a family right after college, doesn't mean that that's going to happen for you at that particular moment also. However, that doesn't mean that it will never happen. It's just delayed, not denied.
Did you fail that one test that you needed to pass that class and now you have to retake the class? That doesn't make you a failure, that makes you human. Does that mean you're going to give up and try something else? No! You try again, and keep trying until you pass that class.
I failed my NCLEX exam the first time I took it. Did that mean I was going to give up and not take it again? No! That only pushed me harder to do better next time. I had to reevaluate my actions and understand where I went wrong.
I fought so hard just to make it to that point, so I wasn't going to just throw in the towel and call it quits. I took that test again, and guess what? I PASSED! My timeline might've been DELAYED in my eyes, but honey, it was NOT denied!
I say all this to inspire each and everyone of you reading this that one failure doesn't define your future. This wouldn't be life if everything was made to be easy. In the end, it will make you stronger and more appreciative of all that you've achieved.
Remember, it may be delayed, but it will NOT be denied. Claim it and go after it! You got this!
I am the author of the inspirational self-help/autobiography book "Nursing At Its Finest." You can learn more at my website queenofhealthdeanna.com
All social media are linked to my website.
Deanna Mackey, BSN, RN
Tell Us How You Feel
LGBTQ+ WHO Are YOU to JUDGE!
When I was younger, I was sexually molested by another female. I had zero clue what really happened and because I was so young, I wasn’t sure how to process this “trauma”. Several years of my life I questioned my sexuality and held on to this secret until a few years ago. I guess you can say until my first true sexual encounter with the opposite sex, I was very “bicurious” and attracted to WHOEVER was attracted to me. I wasn’t taught about sex or what being molested by the same sex meant… molestation is molestation. At such an early age, I shouldn’t have been introduced to any sex of any kind, but hey, it happened! My mother always made sure she told us about older men and to tell if they did something but not WOMEN!!! So I wasn’t sure if this “made me gay or not”! Talk about slight ignorance. In my defense, I was no older than 9.
Going to church every Sunday as a “Christian” my pastor assured me that I was going to hell for my feelings and impure thoughts… THANKS! Church folk made it impossible to want to get help or even talk about my experience. So I didn’t. I suffered in silence, had suicidal thoughts because to them I was “BAD”, “a sinner”, “damned”, “GAY” and “NOT NORMAL”, or let me not forget “SICK”! Yeah I was sick of their shit! What kind of LOVE for the people are you preaching but because of physical or emotional attraction, I’m going to hell? It took me some years but I slowly began to realize that this CANT be the LOVE of JESUS CHRIST! Bye Christians!
With all due respect but the Christian church was the most judgemental “community” I had ever been a part of. You can’t teach LOVE and JUDGE. 1st Corinthians 13…. LOVE IS PATIENT, LOVE IS KIND! But remember that the same BOOK and RELIGION y’all use and put so much emphasis and judgment into is the same BOOK and RELIGION that told white people it was ok to enslave, rape, kill and separate the BLACK COMMUNITY but I digress! I’ll let that alone for the moment!
Society makes living hard. My heart bleeds for those who feel they have to hide who or what they are to make others feel comfortable. Why is it “they” get to be comfortable but a person who does not fit “societal norms” does not? Who the hell are you and what authority was given for you to dictate or define another human being? I didn’t get the job application for SEXUAL APPROVAL! So please inform me how YOU are so qualified!
We are constantly putting ourselves in boxes that allow people to have some form of control over our MENTAL EXISTENCE! Labels and the need to identify is for WHO? If I KNOW WHO I AM and WHO I LOVE, why does it matter to YOU? How does my personal life and choices affect you? They prefer the same sex.. so fucking what! I love big black bald head men with BEARDS but I don’t have to contest this or start a whole community to justify and educate the masses. Why do they have to? I’ll tell you why?
Because YOU lack self awareness, self love and understanding. Because you don’t know WHO or WHAT you are. Because your upbringing has taught you so much HATE, you can’t take the time to see that person for who they are. Because you suffer from imposter syndrome and can’t come to terms with those THOUGHTS in your own mind, you must make others feel like shit so that the focus is off your own issues. No one in the LGBTQ+ community has issues with their identity, they are very aware of who they are and PROUD of it, as they should be because ultimately they are human, bleed, feel and love just like “we” do. Now some in the community do still suffer from issues of “coming out” because of the SOCIETAL JUDGMENT! I can’t imagine having to hide who I am and downplay my happiness to makes happy. Tip of the day: CHOOSE YOUR HAPPINESS LOVE!
I am an ALLY! I am a SAFE & AFFIRMING source! I don’t care who or what you LOVE so long as you are HAPPY and at PEACE. Most religions tell you to LOVE YOUR NEIGHBORS AS YOU LOVE YOUR SELF…. And that’s what the basis of most HATE stems from. The understanding of LOVE and lack thereof for ones self doesn’t allow them to Love others. Can you imagine the mental hell you put people in when you choose to allow your ignorance to overtake LOVE? People shouldn’t have to “hide” or want to commit suicide because of who they love! You can’t say you are for BLACK LIVES MATTER but against LGBTQ+. If it’s wrong to judge someone because of WHAT COLOR their skin is… how is it right to judge who someone loves or engages in intimate acts with!
To my ALLIES… I LOVE YOU for who you are and you owe NO ONE any explanations! You are HUMAN and deserve everything any other HUMAN deserves. I admire you, your strength and courage to continue to live and love in a society that lives in terror and ignorance. You don’t have to identify anything! They can’t DEFINE YOU, only YOU can do that. Even after you try to identify and educate, some people are still going to marinate in their ignorance and judge and define you regardless. But why care what others think? Don’t waste your time, energy and peace on people who have no true desire to LEARN or ACCEPT you! You don’t NEED anyone’s approval but your own! I understand how we want our parents and friends to accept us but remember, blood don’t make family and LOVE is an ACTION! The LOVE for yourself has to remain stronger than anything because not everyone in society will “ACCEPT” you for WHO you are and guess what, SO FUCKING WHAT! You are still AWESOME and the SHIT!
To those not coming from a place of TRUE LOVE and UNDERSTANDING, check yourself, check yourself again and PRAY FOR YOUR OWN PEACE!!! Your thoughts and opinions mean nothing. And again I ask, WHY DOES IT BOTHER YOU? HOW IS IT AFFECTING YOU? What is the price of tea in China? If you are not truly concerned with changing for the good of mankind, infusing love and joy. Do us all a favor and Worry about your damn self!
ELE: EVERYBODY LOVE EVERYBODY! And lastly just RESPECT the fact we are ALL HUMAN and PERFECTLY IMPERFECT!— Quote Source
Untitled
When I was 2 months pregnant with my last child… that was the last time I wanted to harm myself! I can’t speak for everyone who has had Suicidal thoughts or Ideations but for me, taking on too much and blaming myself for other people’s actions was always my trigger! Feelings of inadequacy, self doubt, low self esteem and being PRISONER to my THOUGHTS almost took me out so many times. Even though I already had 2 children, to me, there was NO REASON to stay on earth. A lot of people don’t realize that the LOVE of SELF has to be foundation, not the love OF, FOR or FROM others! It didn’t and doesn’t matter how much light is shone, the dark place in my mind always superseded what I should of viewed as happy!
I have a support system that is amazing! My mother and father are ALWAYS there for me and my children but again, that wasn’t enough. Needless to say, I’m AMAZING at my career and DEGREED UP… still not enough! I own a few name brand things, nice car, home… yeah, material things come and go! But ME, I’m the ONLY one of my kind! Perfectly imperfect, wonderfully made in his image! But finding ME through my pain and struggles of life was a task. I don’t say I’m a SURVIVOR, I’m SURVIVING!
The circumstances that come in life, are not life! The distorted views of myself because of what I ALLOWED other people to implant into me, caused me so much grief and disallowance of MENTAL REST! The journey to MENTAL PEACE is INDIVIDUALIZED! See what I grew up on, was causing me more grief than peace! Religiously, I had to dismiss what was TAUGHT to me, and reteach MYSELF and RESEARCH what was good for me! For me, “praying it away” and then sitting in a pew every Sunday with a man yelling at me telling me I was going to hell for my thoughts was no help! I had to find a PLACE where my thoughts, actions and heart were truly ACCEPTED, NOT JUDGED and the LOVE for me, despite my faults was 100% UNCONDITIONAL!
I had to find and accept myself before moving in any direction. I knew I needed help, I wanted help and I got it! A lot of people don’t understand that a person will not get better unless they are ready and willing. I sought out other people for help for so long, only to realize , it wasn’t help they were offering but their own biased opinions, which don’t equate to shit when I’m the one who has to live with my choices at the end of the day!
Why did I choose to live? Why do I continue to choose to live? It’s not a simple answer. Finding the value in my PEACE and PURPOSE make living worth living. For years I was Negative Nancy because I living in THE WORLD! My spirit was bothered because I was weak and weak minded! Grace, mercy and the LOVE from my higher power KEPT ME! And I always tell people if you don’t believe in a HIGHER POWER, that’s ok, but at least believe in YOURSELF! We cannot change the world, but we can change ourselves, one POSITIVE thought at a time!
I encourage you, never stop loving you! Never stop searching for that purpose in your life! You are here for a reason. You were not a mistake! It may not seem like it today but trust me when I say, EVERYTHING HAPPENS for a reason and a season! Give your MIND time to unthink the bad and negativity that you’ve nurtured for so long! It’s like gaining weight…. It took some time to put it on, it will take time to get it off! In case you don’t hear it today, tomorrow or ever…. I LOVE YOU & I NEED YOU TO SURVIVE! YOU ARE WORTH LIVING!
T.R.U……See this ain’t gone work!!!
Well what I was trying to get out in my title is T.R.U.S.T… TRUST! That’s a big word! I choked on my thoughts trying to get this one out! Jennifer Hudson and Neo sang a song together and in the beginning Neo says, “I believe that LOVE and TRUST are one in the same”! The first time I heard that all I could say was WOW! These two words alone are very impactful. Together, if not expressed appropriately, can be detrimental to someone’s state of mind.
In EVERYTHING I speak on or seek to educate others about will always lead back to ONES SELF! Too many times in relationships, situations and our own doings, we put too much emphasis on other people, their actions or lack thereof. This will be brief because trusting in ones self determines the amount of trust you give or put into someone else. Stay with me!
For years I lacked the spirit of discernment. Mainly because I didn’t trust MYSELF. This starts with that “GUT FEELING” or simply put, our INTUITION! Various reasons, life experiences and outward opinions can influence our thinking and decisions. THIS HAS TO STOP! The power in overcoming our thoughts and ceasing to second guessing ourself is very reassuring and much needed! TRUST, like RELATIONSHIPS aren’t restricted to just “boyfriend & girlfriend”. Trusting the movements that you make in your life, the relationships you chose to develop or explore become a reflection of the trust you have in your own CHOICES!
Far too often, the problem with TRUSTING in others is not wanting to believe our INTUITION when the other person sends us vibes that we really don’t want to accept! You want so bad for someone to be something they aren’t, and you become blinded by your own self doubt! 3 days… that’s how long it takes my “male adhd” to kick in. Within 3 days or less, I know exactly what I’m going to do! And the choices are always the same, 1. TRUST MY GUT, 2. TRUST THE ENERGY, or 3. Give THEM a chance to prove me wrong! I’ve come to eliminate number 3 because I no longer have the time, ENERGY nor head space to deal with the inconsistencies! Connections with the same sex are the same! Women are the worse! We can smell the fear, jealousy and attempted competition a mile away. Not all women want a sisterhood or to share in QUEENDOM building. Secret competitions and insecurities on every level are real! And I do everything possible to stay away from these things and types of people.
Trusting in yourself and your choices is POWERFUL!! It’s not easy to walk away from people or situations but when you do it and don’t look back, it’s PEACEFUL. How many times have you “gave someone a chance” despite your gut feeling, only to regret the outcome? Personally, I want to live with no regrets! Mentally, NOT TRUSTING YOURSELF is draining. You don’t think about the TRUE effects it has on you because you keep downplaying what’s really going on. I tell myself now, when shit doesn’t go right, I have no one to blame but myself because I failed to listen to my gut! If I can’t trust myself, I can’t truly put trust in someone else! How do you put more confidence in someone or something else more than you put into yourself… WEIRD! Make it make sense!
Trusting in yourself goes along with ACCEPTANCE! If you are wrong, be the reason you are wrong, not someone else’s actions toward you. Accept YOU for WHO and HOW you are! Stop compromising your value to buy into a FANTASY thought or lie! If you believe that TRUST is earned not given…. why haven’t you earned your own TRUST??? I’ll be completely honest, that whole saying, “TRUST the PROCESS”, it’s too vague for me. Everyone’s process AINT the same. Some people don’t understand what process you referring to. In order to TRUST ANYTHING, you have to know what it is or isn’t! So I say and encourage you to TRUST YOURSELF! Learn Self-Mindfulness, meditate, be intentional with yourself and TRUST YOUR GUT!
Running on E………
I always find it humorous what we choose to pay attention to in society! I can’t count on my hands and toes or yours how often the media makes MENTAL HEALTH a PRIORITY! It doesn’t happen. America briefly talked about mental illness in the wake of the mass shootings and then just like that, it was over. Well, in case no one realized it, Mental Health is going no where and the longer we wait to address the issues, the worse things are going to become. It’s not the elephant in the room, it is the room! We are surrounded by mental health disparities and talking about it just isn’t NORMAL! Most religious people will tell you to “GO PRAY”…. but how does one do that with the voices in their head? I’ll wait!
I highly encourage everyone who has not taken Mental Health First Aid, to do so. We are living in a time where mental health disparities are on a rise. Social isolation and unemployment are still worldwide concerns. Maybe you were one of the lucky ones who didn’t have to bury a family member due to COVID-19 or doesn’t currently have a family member on a ventilator but some of us do. The mental strain caused by the pandemic is showing no remorse. Not to mention everything else that is still going on in the world. I mentioned gas in a car in relation to our mental health and self care in a previous blog and who would of known months later our nation would be in experiencing a “gas shortage”……
It’s sad that we will take better care of an automobile than we will our own health. “I need my car to get to and from work”. Dont you need your mind to get you to and from LIFE? Why do we wait so long to seek help or take care of ourselves? For ME, in the past acknowledging that I had a problem was a problem. Caring more about what people thought almost cost me my happiness and my life! Staying in relationships and situations I THOUGHT I needed, left me depleted. Then once I gained some strength to leave, I was still faced with the underlying issues that needed to be addressed. Not having the right coping skills or support systems in place can make or break your mental health. I’ll be the first to say, FAMILY AINT ALWAYS IT!! Don’t read that again, read it 3 times!
Family can put you on E quicker than anything. Those unrealistic expectations or emotional deflections can be more of a hindrance than needed support. We often dont want to think that way but the reality that I’m sure we’ve all experienced is that negative change in certain people when we attempt to better ourselves. It’s not necessarily that they don’t want to see us succeed but sometimes as they see you addressing your issues, it calls attention to their own, that they aren’t ready to face so the best thing for them to do, is push you away!
FILL UP ON PUMP POSITIVITY! The gas pump gives you 3 to 4 options, regular, plus, premium and DIESEL! Diesel you CANT put into a car. Some of us are running on diesel. The car wants to go but the engine is knocking and about to cut off. Depression, anxiety, suicide, etc. Those are diesel thoughts. Regular is good, keeps us going but runs out real quick. Plus helps a little more and instead of getting us from point A to B, we can get to P! Premium is the best of the best but it cost us more! It cost more… But it last longer. Investing in YOU is the best thing you could ever do. I am living proof that positive thinking is LIFE! What you put out into the universe is what you will get back and the same goes for your MIND & BODY! If you don’t wait for your car to cut off to refuel it, why do it to your mind?
Next time you pull up to the pump of LIFE, fill up on Self-love, positivity, faith, success, encouragement, motivation, wealth, health and anything that is going to make you HAPPY and help you start to address the mental stressors of life. If you’re not sure how to obtain these things, get with me or find resources in your local community! Always remember YOU ARE NOT ALONE and ITS OKAY TO NOT BE OKAY!
RUNNING on PEACE, LOVE, WELLNESS & ENCOURAGEMENT…..at your fingertips!
Mother. more than just a female parent….#queen
According to the Mayan calendar today is “Mother’s Day”, well that’s EVERYDAY for me. I definitely didn’t need the reminder or to be told to celebrate the QUEEN who birthed me. My mother is far from perfect but to me she is perfectly imperfect! She is the ONLY person I know physically who LOVES me in spite of my flaws. As a child, I thought she never understood me, she didn’t know what it was like to be a child and she definitely was too busy to be bothered with me!! It took me 20 plus years, 1 divorce and 3 children later to truly understand the struggles of a MOTHER, a SINGLE PARENT MOTHER at that. Some of you may be saying “my mother is dead”, “my mother was/is an alcoholic”, “ my mother was/is a drug addict” or you may have your own reason why you don’t celebrate Mother’s Day. I understand. But let me ask you this, did her shortcomings as a MOTHER or does her absence determine WHO YOU ARE as a person?! Are you allowing her negative choices to hold you hostage mentally and spiritually? Are you still trying to accept her death or absence from your life? Whatever the answers to those questions, try to focus on the fact that the choice to carry a child is a blessing and may be the only and highest recognition that some Mothers deserve in certain situations! Be forever THANKFUL for her choosing to let you LIVE!
We all know that old saying, “kids didn’t ask to be here”! A MOTHER is the strongest and most wonderfully made, DIVINE being on this EARTH! No debating to that. The true psychological stressor associated with becoming a mother doesn’t come with a rule book or survival manual! A WOMAN who truly accepts the FULL TITLE and RESPONSIBILITY that follows as a MOTHER gets zero days off! She doesn’t have a choice on when and when NOT to parent! The sick days, working 2-3 jobs to provide and never miss a beat is a true SUPERPOWER that WE naturally develop. Mothering is an undaunted task that unfortunately not everyone can handle, will handle, master or take true joy and pleasure in!
I watched my MOTHER parent 3 totally different children effortlessly! On top of parenting us, as a counselor she was a MOTHER FIGURE to hundreds. See people often get so caught up in what their MOTHER WASNT that they don’t celebrate the MOTHER FIGURE that YAH (GOD) placed in their life. At end of the day we have to start realizing that ACTIONS are better than TITLES! We give titles so much weight and value in our lives that we don’t pay attention often to the true blessing of people in front of us. PEGGY, TINA, WANDA, I THANK YOU! I know that for some people, reaching past this pain to gain PEACE is so hard because there is a void that you feel needs to be filled. People can’t always fill voids. Alcohol cant fill voids. Drugs can’t fill voids. Sex can’t fill voids, etc. I’ll tell you what can though… PEACE, LOVE within your self, FORGIVENESS and UNDERSTANDING of the JOY to come in your life if you learn to look at the positiveness that is YOU!
So many people carry around the hurt and pain of abandonment that they get lost in that black empty hole they are trying to fill. Sometimes we can’t appreciate the MOTHERLY figures around us because we are so focused on who our MOTHER wasn’t and why she wasn’t. Contrary to popular belief, some woman were just vessels! Their purpose in life was truly to ONLY CONCEIVE, CARRY and BIRTH YOU! She was not meant to NURTURE YOU! See we can’t force people to be who we want them to be if YAH (GOD) didn’t call them to be that! READ THAT AGAIN! That’s not just pertaining to MOTHERS, that all people! A TITLE will have people so messed up. “But how could she do that, she is my MOTHER”.. no she is HUMAN! Some peoples PURPOSE in your life is to only last a millisecond and let it be just that!
Today I encourage you to look in the mirror and be thankful for the person YOU ARE! Be thankful for CONCEPTION, CARRYING and BIRTH! Be thankful for the VESSEL that was used to give YOU LIFE! You may not be able to call this vessel MOTHER but you can attempt to see her for the blessing that she was. Positivity in everything does exists, LOOK AT YOU!
To the QUEEN OF MY HEART, Belinda M. Preston-Cash! Everyday I celebrate YOU because you show me SUPER HEROS are REAL! You raised 3 children the best you could with the resources you had! A meal was never missed and there was always shelter! You catered to my basic needs and made sure as a WOMAN I was equipped with the right and necessary tools to SURVIVE! You continue to nurture me, teach me and most importantly LOVE ME UNCONDITIONALLY! Thank you for choosing to KEEP ME, CONCEIVE ME, CARRY ME AND BIRTH ME! You are my FOREVER BEST FRIEND, My BUSINESS PARTNER, BOSS (lol), BEST GRANNY BIG MOMMA EVER, LOVE of MY LIFE and so much more! I am the MOTHER I AM today because you believe in me, my gifts and my spirit! Again… I don’t need today to remind me, because EVERYDAY I CELEBRATE MY QUEEN and MYSELF! Happy Mother’s Day to all the WOMEN who play the role of a FEMALE PARENT….. and BEYOND!
The dictionary defines a MOTHER as “ones female parent”….. but MINE is so much MORE!!! #BLACKQUEEN #SAVINGGRACE #SAVAGE
Allow Me To Reintroduce myself…..my name is…
I’m sure we’ve all heard people say, or said ourselves, “its time to REINVENT or REBUILD myself”…. No need to reinvent or rebuild, just RECOGNIZE! Who you are and who you have been called to be has ALWAYS been in you but boy oh boy the world and certain people we have around us, have a way of making us forget our PATH and PURPOSE!
Recognizing the power and greatness inside us can be hard to do when we allow ourselves to be too involved in the WORLD! We all at some point get caught up in the “HYPE” of some fad or trend! It’s easy to lose ourselves in today’s society and that’s why again, I urge you to protect your EAR and EYE GATES! Some of us are even working jobs that have us so stagnant in our career and life, that we don’t know what to do. There’s no forward movement there, no potential for GROWTH but you’re there for whatever the reason and UNHAPPY at that! You finally get the courage to leave and then BOOM, they hit you with a raise! Pay close attention to your life and the things around you. The devil is very good at dressing things up to keep you from truly RECOGNIZING what you need to do, or where you need to go in order to receive the blessings that are already waiting for you!
One of the hardest things about LIFE is the PEOPLE! RECOGNIZING truly who is for you and who is not. The spirit of discernment is REAL! Have you ever been told “be careful who or what you pray for” or “be specific in your prayer”? Any time I pray for YAH (GOD) to remove people from my life that are not of HIM, whew chile, POOF they be GONE!! Once we recognize the power and gifts that are instilled in us, the skies are truly the limit.
One of things I realized after my 12th “reinvention” of myself was that things only changed in ME and my LIFE when I let certain PEOPLE GO! I am now a firm believer that once you have the mental strength to truly GPS the things and people that really need addressing, then and only then will you see RESULTS. It doesn’t matter how many times you REBUILD or REINVENT yourself, if the people and places you associate yourself with are more of a hinderance than a help. People pleasing will NEVER grant you PEACE or HAPPINESS!
I love to think of myself as a LOTUS FLOWER! Even in the darkest of times, I am still strong enough to rise through the bullish!t. Learn to recognize if you are being who you’ve been called to be or are you being who people want you to be. Are you happy right now? Are you following your heart and functioning on PURPOSE or are you functioning on “SOCIETAL NORMS”?
Recognize the beauty that resides inside of you. Understand that it’s not always you and it very well could be the people surrounding you. Before you think about making major adjustments to yourself, don’t hesitate to start with the people closest to you. Not everyone you THINK is for you, is for you. Energy Vampires are REAL! I recall the village that raised me saying, “if you are the smartest person in you’re circle, it’s time for a new circle.
Continue to practice the art of SELF MINDFULNESS. As you start to FOCUS on you and your mental, physical, spiritual and financial growth, people who ARENT supposed to be along for the ride, will begin to fall off. Once they fall off, let them! Not everyone that is present in your life at this moment is supposed to be around when YAH (GOD) starts to bless you. Sometimes things WONT happen for you until certain people are gone! Sometimes it’s not you that needs REBUILDING but some of those relationships you’re holding on to that need to be TORN DOWN!
Unrealistic Expectations
One of my favorite Lyricist is WALE! If you’ve ever listened to any of his music you will come to learn rather quickly that he does not bite his tongue about his opinions, faith and beliefs. Next to Kendrick Lamar, these two are the best things going in terms of OWNING YOUR SH!T!
Wale has a song titled “EXPECTATIONS”. One of the main reasons I love this song is because of the lyrics. One line says “ Of course you got the answers, cause you ain’t the one that’s in my position”…. whew chile! Say that! How often do we all go through things in life and one of the first MISTAKES we make is running to someone with our problems. Now I understand and I get “VENTING” but know and understand, for your sanity, it might be time to stop looking for advice from people who aren’t YOU! So what you saying Quisha?! What I’m saying is, take peoples “ADVICE” or opinions with a grain of salt! Always pay attention to people when they say “IF IT WAS ME”, then remember, it AINT THEM, IT’s YOU!
There is nothing wrong with venting or even seeking paid professional help. By all means do what works best for you and your PEACE of mind. I am an EMPATH, so I often take pride in absorbing the energies from others, meaning I’m often a sounding board for people to come to and vent. I know how to “take on others problems” without making them my own. What we have to understand when trying to either vent or be a listening ear is that we can’t push our beliefs or “what we’d do’s” on other people. I will say this and please don’t take it to heart but MY belief is that no one person can tell ME how to handle MY situation. At the end of the day, I gotta own those actions, not the person I’m venting to.
Prime example…. how many of us have been so quick to say, “GIRL, LEAVE THAT FOOL”! And she stay or go back. Remember as the person listening, your only getting one side of the story and even if you were getting both, who are you to tell someone what to do in a situation that doesn’t affect or involve you? People often vent about things that could be life changing. We have to be very careful in our word choice. Be ever so cautious with those who like to use word play to their advantage as well. These are the people who will blame you when you give advice that backfires on them. “BUT YOU SAID”…. I said I would, not you should! People often hear what they want during times of stress and heartache, or tweak your advice to suit them.
Our expectations of people and situations has to start being realistic and not idealistic. What we want doesn’t always line up with what WILL be done… let me back up. Remember I said the mistake we often make is running to other people? When we welcome others thoughts into our mind, we deplete the space needed to think rationally for our own benefit. Your MENTAL STRENGTH comes from within! You possess all the answers to your situation, just LISTEN TO YOU! I don’t know what’s best for you because I am not you! Weak minded individuals often at times are incapable of separating their thoughts from your own. They internalize your advice and end of making a decision that they regret. Trust me when I say, you don’t want to be on that end of the stick when all you’re trying to do is help.
When you are in a situation as the LISTENER, think about the person you’re talking to. Think about what they are talking about and think about who they really are. Remind them and encourage them to handle things that will ultimately make them happy with their choice. Be quick to listen and slow to respond! Anytime you find yourself focusing more on what your getting ready to say as a response vs what they are actually saying to you, pause the conversation and CHECK YOURSELF!
What are you really expecting from these conversations? Some people are looking for someone to tell them what to do because they don’t want to take the sole responsibility for making a decision. Some people truly just want to vent and believe it or not, some people are here for the drama! What ever the expectations on the giving or receiving end, be mindful of YOUR INTENTIONS. I love that people feel comfortable in using my ear but at the end of every conversation, I pray that they are given the spirit of discernment because I understand that I am not in their situation so I can’t hype them up to respond the way that I would, if it were me.
The relationship that we have with OURSELVES has to be greater than the one we EXPECT from others!
Lastly, I leave you with a snippet from Wale’s song “EXPECTATIONS”.
“Pray all my odds be even ’cause it get hard. And I follow what I feel, but that’s the issue (issue) My thoughts can be deceivin’ if they get a warm welcome. I’ve been sortin’ through a lot of shit that’s in my head now. A lot of shit that had me scared now”.
Learn to TRUST YOURSELF and STOP EXPECTING YOU from others!
How can i help you?…If i can’t help myself.
Let’s be REALISTIC for a second…. it’s always easy to give advice but how many times have we ever sat back and applied those vices to ourselves? It’s never easy to step back and look in the mirror and make the much needed adjustments to our own lives. We are often, in times that shoulder to cry on or that ear to listen but make sure you check your own convictions at the door before you try to do so!
Self-care isn’t just a slogan, it needs to become your lifestyle. Personally, I self-care daily! What I put into my body has become more important and this includes, what I listen to, what I view and of course what I eat! Whenever you offer yourself up as a sacrificial punching bag, you have to know WHO YOU ARE and how it MAY affect you! Ask yourself…. Can I take on this persons issues and not make them my own? Am I throwing stones in a glass house? Mentally, am I okay? Too often we think about others before we think about ourselves! If you don’t think about YOU, who will?
It’s okay to be SELFISH. Set boundaries (limits), for YOURSELF! Today I will not…… and then DON’T. Question? Do you wait until your gas tank is empty before you get gas? I hope not. Treat your MENTAL HEALTH the same way! It’s perfectly okay to tell someone, “I’m sorry, I would love to help you but I’m trying to deal with my own issues right now and I don’t want to deflect my issues on you or give you the wrong advice. But I’ll pray for you and your situation”! BOOM! This not only covers you but also truly covers them in the process.
I used to think it was humanly impossible to care for myself. 3 kids, single parent, full time job, full time school, kids in full time activities and probably more stuff on my list I’m missing, so where is there time to take care of ME? Do what I want? Workout? Eat right? Who has time for that when you’re constantly on the go? MAKE TIME! NOW, I AM always at the top of my list and I had to make time for myself because mentally, I WAS NOT OKAY! I poured more into others to the point my cup was empty. I was giving people advice based on my emotions, meanwhile not tending to my own pile of shit. Yes, I was one to say “LEAVE HIM” yet I had a situation I wouldn’t leave! So contradictory. But I learned.
Who wants to accept their MENTAL ILLNESS? Put yourself in a place of vulnerability? Giving the world a chance to JUDGE…. oh she/he CRAZY! Remember, NO ONE CAN MAKE YOU FEEL ANYTHING. YOU OWN YOUR OWN EMOTIONS. What someone thinks equates to NOTHING in your life! Last time I checked my electricity bill, the balance owed was not payable with THOUGHTS or FEELINGS! I check my GAF balance daily and it remains at ZERO! Now is the time to make PEACE of MIND your PRIORITY! BLACK PEOPLE ESPECIALLY!
If we don’t take this time to equip ourselves with the positive and necessary skills and tools to tread through these muddy waters America is forcing us to deal with, our mental journey will be short lived! I was an ER nurse from 2014-2016 and I have seen and touched over 100, if not more dead bodies. I’ve been back on social media for less than a year and I’ve seen more violence and dead bodies through SHARES and POST than my 17 years in healthcare! Believe it or not, social media will tear you down mentally quicker than your personal life, if you let it. Protect your EAR & EYE GATES PEOPLE! Be forever MINDFUL in YOURSELF. Learn to say NO! Learn to LOVE yourself on PURPOSE! Learn that your response is not always needed! Most importantly, Learn to not GAF, and I say that with the utmost respect! Especially for those of us living with a mental illness.
I suffer from Generalized Anxiety disorder with Depression. Postpartum Depression with my 2nd child was the worse. I attempted to self medicate with alcohol & sex. I was unable to FEEL unless I had one or the other. My coping skills lacked drastically. I had all the answers to everyone’s problems but my own! It wasn’t until I 1. Sought Professional help, 2. Forgave myself for choices I made, 3. Accepted the fact that there were things in my life I couldn’t change and focused on what I could, and 4. LOVED myself on PURPOSE and past the PAIN that I was able to truly help others.
Don’t give up on yourself. You are the greatest investment to make! So start today by adding more LOVE to your SELF-CARE account and start WITHDRAWING more from that GAF account until it hits ZERO!
Forgiveness is for self. (Part 1)
FORGIVENESS…. whew chile, what a word. I’ve always been told that forgiveness is for self. If that’s so true, why do we spend so much time on apologizing or needing someone to accept our apologies? Honestly, if someone does something to me more than once, “I’m sorry” is no longer an apology but a character reference! I said what I said and you are absolutely correct… you are a SORRY individual. The older I’m getting, the shorter my patience and tolerance for nonsense has become. I’m a firm believer before you commit an act, you think about it. Then you make the choice to ACT on your decision. So when you do something to hurt someone, for me, it’s a deliberate ACT and that persons thoughts or feelings were not taken into consideration. Often at times people make decisions based around the outcome of their happiness. As long as they are happy in that moment, truly nothing else matters.
My focus today is not on the apologies that people give to you, or even the apologies that you may have to give to others. But recognize that a lot of times, people make choices that end up hurting us, but their choice is NOT a reflection of who you are. Their choice to hurt you was in no way at all your fault. “Oh he/she cheated because I cheated, I deserved it”! ABSOLUTELY NOT! They or WE make conscious decisions at times knowing that we are only thinking about our selves in the moment. Not one person on this earth walking is perfect. Including myself! In relationships, and I’m not referring to just boyfriend/girlfriend, I’m speaking generally. Any interaction that you have with someone is some form of a relationship. Over the last 2 months, WE have formed an author reader relationship. Follow me? So relationships do not define who you are. That man or woman does not hold value in your bank of SELF LOVE. Do they add to you? In a way yes. But when a person we often share our lives with does something to hurt us, it often creates an emotion of self hate or DOUBT. We internalize their actions and feel like it’s something we’ve done wrong. I’m not the only person that’s ever said, “what could I have done differently”? “What did I do to deserve this”? NOTHING! I found myself in this place earlier this week! Thank YAH (GOD) for deliverance!! Because guess what, that person was going to do what they wanted regardless of what you said or did! So FORGIVE YOURSELF for minimizing your VALUE in the process of their choices!
Forgiveness of SELF is one of the hardest things to do when we don’t have PEACE! That constant battle in our minds of self blame when the fact is, we DONT and we CANT control others actions. Just like no one can control yours! I was in a mega toxic marriage for years and any and everything that went wrong, was MY FAULT! Down to me choosing to leave. I broke up my family. Any time he choked me out, cheated, lied… it was definitely my fault. I shouldn’t of questioned him or checked his phone! I deserved every physical and emotional abuse given. And after he was done, guess what I did…. I apologized! I should have been forgiving myself! I stayed in this environment for 10 years. No other logical reason other than for my KIDS. I didn’t want them to be from a broken home like me! I didn’t want to be another statistic, a single black mom! This choice to stay cost me so much!
When I finally decided to leave my marriage, I spent 5 years functioning on hurt and doing to women what was done to me! If they didn’t care, why should I? Now I didn’t go looking for these situations, they always found me but I mentally wasn’t in a place to care or recognize what I was doing to them, myself or my family was purely wrong! Functioning on hurt can sometimes cause more trauma than the mess you deal with in situations that you have no control over. See in these situations, I definitely had control! But CONTROL over someone else is never a good thing! So many people got hurt in my bullshit. Careless, was an understatement to describe the type of pain I inflicted. The whole time I’m thinking I’m HEALING from something! Nah!
I spent zero time after my divorce HEALING or FORGIVING MYSELF! Forgive myself for what? I wasn’t beating my own ass. I needed to forgive myself for making that choice to stay and putting up with the crap I know I didn’t deserve. I had to forgive myself for breaking up my family. I had to forgive myself most importantly for NOT LOVING MYSELF ENOUGH to end the bullshit when it started! I had to forgive myself for asking HIM for forgiveness, when he was the one inflicting the pain! Say WEAK MINDED AF!
So you see, FORGIVENESS truly is for SELF! I’ve been hurt since the divorce and each time, I’ve had to forgive myself for ignoring the warning signs or looking past their TRUE COLORS because the picture I envisioned had them in it but YAH’S (GOD’s) VISION didn’t include them at all. Coming into true PEACE, you start to understand that ALIGNMENT is EVERYTHING! 100 IM SORRYS doesn’t change the fact that they consciously chose to express an action that contained ZERO thought about how it would impact you. I too am guilty of these actions. But who I was then, is not who I am NOW! The harsh reality in it all is that there is always going to be SOMEONE to remind YOU of your downfalls and shortcomings! Sometimes that evil ass person and their judgmental thoughts and opinions is OURSELF!
There is PEACE of MIND and solitude in FORGIVENESS of SELF. My friend had me listen to a song a few days ago and the words said something along the lines of, “are we going to live in the past or the present, let me know”! Sometimes we don’t want to forgive because it makes us look weak or naive. But harboring that negative energy does NOTHING for our soul. It leaves you in a constant state of confusion and ANGER! The stress of overthinking what someone did to you, takes precious moments away from the time you could be being happy. Forgiving is not about LETTING GO, it’s about UNDERSTANDING that you can’t change what someone did to you, but you can change how YOU are going to move forward in the process of HEALING and FORGIVING YOURSELF!
My brother was murdered 7 months ago and I FORGIVE his killer, I have to because the anger and pain that consume me daily is mentally draining. Is there forgiveness of myself in this situation, yes indeed. Forgiveness of self is applicable in various situations but I’m going to save that for PART 2!
KNOW that when you say “Im sorry” or someone tells you they’re “sorry”, think about the context of the apology. What’s really behind the words and are the ACTIONS lining up? It’s important to find forgiveness in yourself even on the behalf of others because 9 times out of 10, the closure and answers that you seek behind an apology, you won’t get!
Inclusion starts with “i” but “i” ain’t included.
D.E.I…. Diversity, Equity and Inclusion! These 3 words have become a major hot topic in America lately! But why? It saddens me to know that a program has to be put into place that has to specifically ALLOW “certain” types of people to feel comfortable in a workplace! This is just ludicrous to me. This D.E.I. topic has become so mentally draining. America is fixated on separation. Job applications, school enrollments and other documents of registration pick us apart and allow us to stay “SEPARATE but EQUAL”… let’s be honest, there is no equality! Putting a check in one wrong box can get you excluded from something you over qualify for. STATISTICS…. that’s the only given reason we have to identify our gender, race and religion on most applications. You want to beef up DEI, get rid of those social indicators that clearly give people a chance to separate US at their free will!
Why does it matter if an office is full of homosexual men or all black women? If the company is getting ran proficiently and revenue is on the up and up, why are we putting so much emphasis on trying to create a “SKITTLE effect” in the workplace? If they QUALIFY, hire them! Let me give you a perfect example of a DEI DISASTER! The field of Nursing is predominantly white! I worked on a floor as a nurse where there are over 40 employees, 6 of us were BLACK! On night shift, 3 of us were Registered Nurses holding a Bachelor degree or higher and 3 Black Nursing assistants. 3 Highly qualified Black WOMEN all overlooked for management positions. 3 white nurses who had little to no experience were given Charge Nurse positions but the irony of it was every time either of them needed help, they came to one of us! But the important thing was due to DEI, we 3 little black girls added some diversity to the mix! Please don’t hire me because you need to throw some “COLOR” (literally) in your pot! DEI is like putting a fly in a bowl of milk! Catch my drift!
It is mentally exhausting going to work day in and out feeling inadequate when you clearly are over qualified. Being hired into positions and working on a prayer of moving up becomes emotionally draining. We’ve all been in a situation where we’ve met an employee and said to ourselves “oh she must be related to the boss”, because clearly their qualifications didn’t get them the job. Yet they are probably in charge of you. DEI makes me feel like all we are doing is causing more separation in the world. Isn’t this just an updated version of EEO???? At the end of the day, we are all people. Does my skin color, sexual preference or religion say that I’ll do a job better than someone of opposite factors?! Oh yeah that’s right, hire a Mexican, they’ll get the job done faster and for less! Definitely don’t hire a Black man, cause he is lazy and gonna steal from us! Asians are smart, we can’t go wrong with a couple of those! Don’t hire any of those LGBTQ folk because we’ll be uncomfortable and won’t know how to address them or whose bathroom will they use?! If we hire WHITE… All is RIGHT! The stereotypical faucets are real. And if the TRUMP administration didnt teach you anything, what rock were you under?
Prejudice in the workplace is always said to be not tolerated but in reality WE all have dealt with it at some point. Sadly, it’s not going away because some people mentally are just unable to process that we all are human beings and deserve to be treated as such. I watched the Ten Commandments last night and they kept saying in the movie that “Death is better than bondage”. DEI recognizes the bondage we live in still in 2021 and is just bringing it to a head! We are bound by the social injustices and blind eyes turned to differences! We are making it socially acceptable to place people in boxes! All you non-Hispanics over here. Whites we gonna put you over here and Blacks, we wanna put you as far away as possible. But that’s not enough, let’s separate this group more. If your a Christian, over there and well the rest of you are obsolete.
Why do we need a group or a program to fight for something we already are? America is DIVERSE, that’s a given. EQUALITY…. only equal I know that exists today is that little blue packet of sugar I put in my coffee and even it ain’t REAL, it’s a sugar SUBSTITUTE! INCLUSION… I always say, it’s funny that word starts with “I” but “I” ain’t included! If 25 black, gay, Jewish, men apply for a job and are qualified…. give them the job! Companies can’t say that “people of color” aren’t educated because we hold degrees as well! By all means I don’t want to be part of this souped up “Affirmative Action”! If my nationality or sexual preference becomes an issue or topic of conversation in the workplace, then clearly we aren’t focused on what’s important. My personal life should not be part of my professional. Focus more on the quality of improvement I bring to the workplace and not my individual values.
I could be wrong but DEI in the workplace looks at the fact that statistically speaking one group exist over the other. It’s a balance of RACIAL numbers. I’m not the best at math but 5% Black, 2% Latino, 3% Asian and 90% White is not balance but it does play to the Diversity and Inclusion piece. Again I say, as a BLACK, highly educated and highly qualified WOMAN in a booming career field. I am past the point of trying to PROVE my EQUABLENESS. It is mentally taxing clocking in and being immersed in a cesspool of inadequacy. I find it more humorous that people chosen to head these DEI programs are people of Color! Things that make you go hmmm…
LOVE one another! Treat people how you would have them treat you! What happened to those principles of LIFE? Some people don’t love themselves! That’s why so much HATE still exist in the world! But I’ll save that for another day!
LASTLY…. systematic oppression does exist! Every few years, politicians dress it up and make it REAL FAKE for us! We become so complacent in our existence that we don’t see things for what they really are. I understand that we have to address issues but DEI is causing more friction than stability. Who wants to be singled out because of their personal opinions and preferences. Hell the color of my SKIN is ENOUGH for me!
A is for anger (part 1)
I know at some point in all our lives we’ve all watched an episode of Sesame Street. I have 3 kids and have always made it my business to incorporate this show into their daily routine. I have an 11 month old who watches this show at least 20 times a day. Watching her responses to certain episodes lately truly has me locked in on her emotional reactions. One thing I’ve noticed is she angers easily if you interrupt her show and that’s a big NO NO!
ANGER is one of those emotions we experience very early on in life. How we are taught to deal with anger is very important. Even at a young age if we respond a certain way each time to situations that anger us, this may develop into our normal form of response! Anger is one of those emotions that elicits other emotions in the process. Have you ever paid attention when you get angry at something, you can go from one emotional extreme to the next.
Just like the stages of grief, I believe there are stages of anger. Now I am no clinical psychologist and I don’t have any theories to back this up, these are just my opinions. There’s a saying that goes you cannot make me mad, you cannot make me anything for I own my own emotions. Often at times things happen and it causes a raw emotion in us to develop. Now when that emotion comes to a head we have a choice. Within this choice is, exactly how are you going to react!
Acknowledge and accept the emotion you feel and deal with it accordingly. Have you ever heard someone say “I MADE them mad”! Perhaps you’ve said this yourself! Well let me just confirm this cold hard fact for you, you didn’t MAKE anything happen! If I get mad it’s because I ALLOWED myself to get mad. This is where CONTROL comes in. There’s that word again, CONTROL! I use this word a lot because at the end of the day we have that control over our lives especially our emotions. So again you didn’t make anything happen.
What happened was that person took that situation and they chose to show anger. No I’m not saying to not allow these emotions to happen because YAH (God) gave us emotions. They are normal. They should happen but control over them is what’s key! The unhealthy expression of these emotions can turn into unwanted behaviors, diseases, mental health disparities to say the least and other things that come in many different forms. So Quisha, are you telling me to not get angry? NO! Again, ANGER IS A NORMAL EMOTION! How do we deal with ANGER effectively and appropriately!?
How is it we can teach our children to respond to emotions a certain way but as adults we feel like we have no control over certain things. Could it be the amount of responsibilities such as our jobs, children, relationships and other stressors that we allow to consume us. The overwhelming emotions we experience on a daily?
Rewind the tape and remember this if you don’t remember anything else, YOU OWN your emotions, no one can MAKE you feel anything. When it comes to anger, again acknowledge the feeling and accept it! Then ask yourself how am I going to respond or am I going to respond at all? The fact that I’m feeling angry about this situation, is it worth any of my energy to elicit a response? If I do choose to respond, how do I respond POSITIVELY?
I was telling my friend recently that often at times, when anger or any emotion happens in our life the way that we respond to it over time becomes what our body is used to. So if I become angry at one situation and every time I get angry I think about killing myself, every time something angers me suicidal ideations is what my mind is going to think is a normal way to respond and unfortunately this is how I’ll process anger every time I feel it.
We have to take control back over our thought processes. Don’t ALLOW yourself to get caught up in the feelings that other people want you to have! If you deal with emotions a particular way, and the end result each time does not benefit YOU, it’s time to find a new way to COPE! If it hasn’t worked for you yet, there’s a good chance it’s not gonna work for you at all.
I learned last week during one of my therapy sessions that there is strength in weakness. It takes a strong person to realize that their anger is consuming them. It is causing you to want to feel a certain way. The strength in recognizing that you are weak in the mind is what is powerful. Now that you have acknowledged that your mind is weak and that it cannot deal with anger appropriately, this gives you an opportunity to focus and truly begin to ALLOW yourself to HEAL in this process.
Remember I said anger is much like grief and has stages. ACCEPTING the anger is definitely stage one. Peace and anger cannot COEXIST! Invite one to stay and have the other exit stage left. The choice is yours.
To be continued……..
let it go!!!
My mother used to have this saying, “Just keep it moving” or” Let it go”! Truth be told I couldn’t stand when she used to say this. I used to get so angry about certain situations and people I had NO CONTROL over and that was always her response. What do you mean let it go? For as long as I can remember, I had no clue how to do such a thing. I really didn’t understand when she used to say “give it to GOD”! Why was she always telling me to do stuff I didn’t know how to do? I’d say it but it never worked. It was like soon as I thought I was giving it to YAH (GOD), he was giving it right back! I used to carry around so much anger that my brain wouldn’t allow me to “LET IT GO”! No matter how hard I tried or prayed, the hurt, pain and anger just festered in my heart.
I honestly can’t recall the day that my spirit graduated and leveled up and started doing what my mom said but what I can tell you is since then I’ve had TRUE PEACE!
I never stopped praying for the transformation to happen because I know that holding on to certain people and situations was more than emotionally draining. I literally could feel the life being sucked out of me daily. When people asked certain questions or brought up situations, the tears and frustration always took over and what I thought I had given to YAH (GOD) I had once again decided to take back from him! I’m glad I finally stopped! But how do you “LET GO and LET YAH (GOD)!?
There is true POWER and PEACE in knowing, understanding and ACCEPTING that I don’t have to worry about the things in this life that I have zero control over. Why spend so much time and energy focusing on things and people that you can NOT CHANGE or CONTROL!? My sister used to tell me all the time, “you don’t have to respond to everything”! Wait, I don’t?! When I really started to realize that I do have CONTROL that’s when it all started to make perfect sense. Within CONTROL was my CHOICE. I vowed to always make the choice that was going to yield me a POSITIVE OUTCOME. Within that choice came my control. Now if I choose negatively that’s my fault and I’m allowing myself to stay in a position that’s more than likely gonna keep me from being happy or causing me more mental anguish. When the situation deals with a person or thing you have no control over, it really is easy to let go and give it to whom ever wants it!!!
However, the biggest battles we face are in our MINDS! That’s where the FOCUS has to start. Some of us play out scenarios and attempt to try to speak for the other party when we need to just LET IT GO! If you aren’t willing to attempt to find peace with a person or relationship by actually having that conversation with them, LET IT GO! Why waste energy and mental space going back and forth discussing the unknown. FEAR KILLS DREAMS and people FEAR WHAT THEY DON’T KNOW! Holding on to things and situations you have no control over causes anxiety amongst other things. Letting go is easier said than done, this I KNOW. When you CHOOSE to continue to keep taking the control out of YAH’s (GOD’s) hands you can’t expect things to work out. There is POWER in PEACE and PEACE is POWER. The best thing I ever did in this life was LET GO! Everyday is not going to be perfect but when you choose the path of positivity, I can almost promise and reassure you that the outcome of letting go of negativity will result in PEACE and UNDERSTANDING!
Praying with intention and purpose. Focus on the good. STOP trying to face these situations alone or with people who truly have no understanding of what your going through. Learn to make a deeper connection with YOURSELF and your higher being and LET IT GO!
Death is not an option
Some people will never understand why a person decides to succumb to the thoughts of SUICIDE! Today I give you a true, deep seeded moment of transparency. Suicide, much like all mental health disparities, is a mental disease that our communities around the world have let fall to the waist side. Saying the word, yet alone even mentioning the topic, puts knots in the strongest of stomachs. While we continue to focus on DEI, S.U.I.C.I.D.E. is REAL!
I’m sure we’ve all said, thought or heard at some point that “suicide is selfish and a weak way out”. I’m here to tell you today that at those moments, that is all we can think about is our SELF. I suffered from Suicidal Ideations for years and it wasn’t something that just popped into my head over night. It was an accumulation of situations and secrets that consumed my mind and heart and led me to believe that I was not worth living this life. I read a LinkedIn the other day that referenced suppression and at that moment I realized, I was never attempting to suppress anything, I was being what the BLACK community calls at “STRONG black woman”! I was battling every issue given to me by attempting to live, move on, let it go and keep smiling. Every childhood issue of molestation, daddy issue and abandonment, I let seep into my adulthood. I never had the tools to help to me realize that I was internalizing other peoples issues. It wasn’t my fault that I was molested. It wasn’t my fault that people left my life and it Damn sure wasn’t my fault that my biological father created more children than he or his pockets had time for. But I made it my fault… for years.
There’s far greater issues than this that we encounter that cause a build up and mental blockage of who we are. I couldn’t see myself, yet along my purpose on this earth through all the pain I had endured. Why should I want to continue living? Fast forward, I get married. I have kids. I have the career of my dreams but, I also have additional issues. Now I have an abusive husband. Not just physically, but financially, spiritually, and emotionally. How can you think about hurting your self when you have children? That’s an easy answer. When your mind is clogged with some many negative thoughts, people are always better off without you. I can’t find any reason why people want me around because I have so much negativity in my face and mind. Leaving a domestic violence situation is not easy. Trust me, it took me 10 years and an additional 4+ after to flush my mind of all the pain. But by the grace of YAH (GOD), I am not a survivor, I’m SURVIVING!
Unless you’ve been on this end of the stick, it’s hard to understand what gets a person to that point where we honestly just give up. You feel helpless and useless. See what really happens is, we definitely give in to that devil on our shoulder. He is just as powerful as we allow him to be. Years of negativity is hard to combat. Especially as a BLACK person. I can’t go ask for help because of that stigma of being called crazy. Well call me whatever because I recognized everything I was going through in my life was because the devil saw my greatness and what YAH (GOD) has called me to be and he tried everything in his power to take me out to keep me from living on MY PURPOSE!
It’s not easy at all to get out your own mind especially when there is a seed of historical turmoil planted in your brain stem. Understand that yes, things happened to you but you have the power to kill the noise in your brain. These thoughts can come from losing people we love, trauma, inadequacy… anything can create or become a trigger to Suicidal thoughts. RELATIONSHIPS are major factors, not just boyfriend/girlfriend but typical daily shared interactions with people. People will come into our lives and hurt us, again, thats their problem. Now, I always feel like when things start trying to get rough it’s because the devil sees what YAH (GOD) is about to do for me and he is livid. I’m able to think about what people chose to do to me and then counteract the thought with “I AM LOVE, I AM WHO YAH HAS CALLED ME TO BE”. Try to start creating a place of PEACE in your mind and heart. For some of us, medicinal intervention may be best but don’t be afraid to get help. Get help because you and your LIFE are WORTH every breath. You were created with a purpose on purpose.
It is so much easier to live in a life of negativity than it is to live in a life of positivity. People don’t understand the POWER in their WORDS. SPEAK LIFE into one another. SPEAK LIFE into YOURSELF especially when we recognize that others are constantly trying to SUCK it out of us! I am a living, breathing witness. I am SURVIVING. There are suicide Hotlines, but I’ll be honest, I’ve not heard great reviews but you have to seek out and do what works for you. Create a plan to get away from the physical or mental environment that is causing you to feel less than. Don’t worry about society and all the judges of the world. You deserve happiness and I promise you there is someone who NEEDS YOU!
Not everyone gets to hear this everyday but I LOVE YOU and I NEED YOU TO SURVIVE!
If you or someone you know is suffering from thoughts of depression and/or suicide please visit your local ER or call local resources for MENTAL HEALTH and GET HELP! DEATH IS NOT AN OPTION!! I AM HERE FOR YOU!
I am not my past
Have you ever done something that you regretted? Made a choice that to this day, you truly have to live with? Do people constantly remind you of who you used to be versus WHO YOU ARE NOW?! For me that is one of the most mentally and emotionally draining things to deal with in life. Sadly, no matter how much you change or do better, there is ALWAYS going to be someone or situation that is going to remind you that at one point, you messed up! Sometimes it’s not even people that do this to us directly, we do it to ourselves. We are our own biggest critics! I think one of the most dangerous things a person can do, is try to think for other people.
Some of us battle with negative perceptions we have of ourselves or had! Living inside of an untrained, negative thought provoking mind will eventually drive you crazy or cause unnecessary strain on relationships that could probably be easily repaired with just some simple effective communication. I know for me it took me years to finally get out of my own head. At the end of the day, no one is perfect and who are we to judge? What good does it do for you to point out on the regular your own shortcomings, mistakes, downfalls… call it what you want. Envouge said it best, “FREE YOUR MIND AND THE REST WILL FOLLOW”!
Best thing you can do is understand that people are going to THINK what they want about you and it’s not your job to change their mind! Focus on you! If you think and believe highly of yourself and the process you have gone through or are going through, why does anybody’s opinion matter? I can’t think of the last time somebody’s thoughts and opinions paid one of my bills or put a meal on my table!
Why do you chose to ALLOW people to affect where you’re going in life? Why do you let you get in your own way!? If your higher power paves a path for you and puts a ROAD CLOSED sign up behind you, why do you keep trying to make a U-Turn onto a DEAD END STREET?! Stay with me!! You might get tempted to entertain old people and behaviors but remember they no longer serve a purpose in your present!
Be grateful for the mistakes and hardships in your life because they DO make us stronger. It never feels like it while we are in the pain but once we are through, that trial and tribulation turn into TESTIMONY! One thing I can’t stand about people who like to bring up peoples past is the fact that they weren’t there!!! How y’all writing a book about a story YALL wasn’t even a part of? People are good at taking the focus off their own mess!
Unfortunately people are going to always need something and someone to talk about. Let them TALK and THINK what they want! Don’t fall victim to tainted thoughts! So you THINK IT, so shall you will BE IT!
A is for anger (Part 2)
Not everyone is capable of opening a can of worms and truly be able to deal with its contents. Anger is a natural emotion. Don’t be fooled by my constant talks of PEACE, because I still have MOMENTS where I ALLOW myself to become angry. The biggest part about my growth and anger is that I don’t let anger coexist in my world for too long.
Within this past week and the days leading up to it, I had to put on my big girl panties and face the one thing, the one PERSON that I allowed to anger me for years. I started psychotherapy due to the lost of my brother. That’s a feeling I’ll be learning to deal with for years to come. I’ve been able to FORGIVE his killer but the ANGER in me is still overwhelming most days. How do you forgive his killer Quisha but still be angry? Anger and Forgiveness are two different things. Forgiveness, first and foremost is for SELF, not the other person. Just because you forgive a person or situation doesn’t mean you won’t be angered by the actions of the issue. What I realized though through therapy that my anger definitely was rooted deep in my DIVORCE!
Divorce is a lot like a death as well. You lose so much in a situation like that. You lose love, finances, stability, living arrangements, possibly cars other materialistic things and even your SELF! I found through my sessions that my anger was still focused on my marriage. The trauma experienced inside my marriage, during the divorce and after was pure HELL! This can’t be life! I had given so much control of my peace over to this other person and situation that my MIND couldn’t get past the hurt. I had never seen myself become so angry. I wasted 7 years of happiness on this one person. Whose fault is that? MINE!
Throughout the 7 years post divorce I had attempted 2 good times to LOVE again. I’ll try a different approach, I won’t do this, I won’t do that… still to turn around and be crushed again. Instead of being sad, I was mad at myself for allowing these men to do this to me. But they did what they did, it had nothing to do with me, why be mad at yourself? Mad because I allowed it to happen. I allowed my emotions from my past to also consume me. My ex husband had created TRIGGERS in me that I hadn’t recognized. The one ex boyfriend was always glued to his phone. Always checking stock, on Facebook, just doing something! That action reminded me of my cheating husband so much and it really used to piss me off but I tried to look past it. The other ex boyfriend was always screaming about how private he was and didn’t want people in his business. No one ever really knew we dated for almost a year and had a baby on the way. I was a SECRET! My ex husband moved the same way! SAY TRIGGER! The reality in both situations was they had SECRET relationships EVERY WHERE! Even different states! LOL! I can laugh about it today because I’m at PEACE!
It’s not easy to let anger go! Especially when a person does something to you that you don’t deserve! But you have to acknowledge that pain turned ANGER! Their actions or even your own in that situation aren’t worth the loss time of happiness you deserve. Most the time when a person does something against you, knowing the pain they caused, they often move on like nothing ever happened while you sit in sickness (mentally) and sadness. Take back your power. Realize that nothing is going to change the actions of the past but don’t let it spill into your presence! Anger keeps you stagnant.
Think about who or what’s keeping you from growing mentally… what purpose is holding on to that anger serving in your life? Is it helping you or hindering you? There is a Bible scripture that says, “I WILL PREPARE A TABLE FOR YOU IN THE PRESENCE OF YOUR ENEMIES”…. BABY EAT! Rest assured that once you let that anger go… the blessings will FLOW! It may not come in the morning, but it will be there RIGHT ON TIME! It’s all a work in progress and the devil is going to try to keep you in this place of anger as long as YOU allow him! When he sees your growth, he is going to try every angle to KEEP you in a place of sadness, depression, anxiety and just pure mental anguish. He’ll even attack your loved ones. But you have to equip yourself with the right tools to say, “NOT TODAY DEVIL, NOT EVER”!
Anger keeps you from moving in purpose and peace! Trust me, I know! It took me 7 years, 18 days, 35 mins, 17 seconds AND this very moment that your reading, to get my breakthrough! The first step was acknowledging my TRUE source of pain and anger and then accepting and realizing that I can’t change what happened but I have full CONTROL over what’s going to keep happening, and that is TRUE PEACE! I’m excited to be able to COPARENT effectively. I’m excited to wake up everyday with no worries of my past!
I’m excited to know that MY TABLE that YAH (GOD) has prepared for me has all the fixings, trimmings, platinum plated utensils, napkins made from angels wings, and the throne I’m sitting on is so high, the devils thoughts can’t even reach me!
There is PEACE in PAIN. Anger and PEACE can not coexist in your LIFE! A is for ALLOWING yourself to HEAL. Let anger be a footstool to your PURPOSE! Walk in PEACE and remember, you have the CONTROL! That person and that situation are NOT you! Look at Anger in the eye and say “OK, are you done, or are you finished”! Look at how far you have come. If this feeling is still very new to you, look at how far you can go! But you have to make a conscious decision to say I choose PEACE!
I dedicate this piece to my ex husband, my ex boyfriend and the absent father of my child! Thank you for showing me my PURPOSE through the PAIN!
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It all begins with an idea. Maybe you want to launch a business. Maybe you want to turn a hobby into something more. Or maybe you have a creative project to share with the world. Whatever it is, the way you tell your story online can make all the difference.
This is a frequently asked question?
It all begins with an idea. Maybe you want to launch a business. Maybe you want to turn a hobby into something more. Or maybe you have a creative project to share with the world. Whatever it is, the way you tell your story online can make all the difference.
This is a frequently asked question?
It all begins with an idea. Maybe you want to launch a business. Maybe you want to turn a hobby into something more. Or maybe you have a creative project to share with the world. Whatever it is, the way you tell your story online can make all the difference.
This is a frequently asked question?
It all begins with an idea. Maybe you want to launch a business. Maybe you want to turn a hobby into something more. Or maybe you have a creative project to share with the world. Whatever it is, the way you tell your story online can make all the difference.
This is a frequently asked question?
It all begins with an idea. Maybe you want to launch a business. Maybe you want to turn a hobby into something more. Or maybe you have a creative project to share with the world. Whatever it is, the way you tell your story online can make all the difference.
This is a frequently asked question?
It all begins with an idea. Maybe you want to launch a business. Maybe you want to turn a hobby into something more. Or maybe you have a creative project to share with the world. Whatever it is, the way you tell your story online can make all the difference.